1) Have you ever ordered anything from an infomercial?
Yes. Years ago when I was living by myself, I ordered a treadmill from a *very late night* infomercial. My inner idiot took over and I somehow felt the resolution to all of my problems lay in a new-found fitness regime -- one that I would certainly stick to as the treadmill's pricetag of $1200 would dictate self-discipline -- it would be "an investment." The treadmill arrived 4 days later and I realized I'd purchased a calibre of machine only necessary for people who were training for the Olympics.
I assembled it myself but the piece of crap never worked. I spent 6 hours on the phone with customer service, dismantled the shitmill (as it came to be known) then reassembled it twice. I even cancelled plans to go out that night to resolve the problem. I finally snapped and told them to come and take it away immediately before I thew it out the window and firebombed it with a propane tank. Since I'd already exhausted the "waiting for UPS" excuse at work, I couldn't wait between the slated 8-2 window. I had to lug the shitmill down two flights of stairs and leave it on the front stairs for UPS with a note and go to work.
I couldn't lift the two-ton box so I tried to 'hug' it down the front steps. My 79- year-old neighbor on the first floor heard me struggling and swearing in the stairwell and started to help me, despite my protests. She actually lifted one of the ends up and dragged it out the front door herself, but not before telling me I was built like a chicken. She also pointed out that if I hadn't been such a "birdbrain," I would have carried it down one piece at a time and packaged it on the sidewalk. It haven't even occurred to me to do so, which made me feel even more stupid than I already did for making a $1200 purchase from a late night infomercial.
2) What was the most ridiculous vanity license plate you’ve ever seen? That’s easy: "KLLR DNCR" which I presume meant “Killer Dancer.”
3) Name one song you heard today:
“Brighter than Sunshine” by Aqualung. Heard it several times this morning and I only had the radio on today for about 25 minutes. It’s actually a lovely song but I’m sure I will loathe it soon.
4) Would you consider yourself athletic?
No one would consider me athletic, least of all myself. Although, I do enjoy Wiffle ball. And playing that basketball game “Pig.”
5) Name one thing you’re looking forward to in the month of Jan: The two-hour season premiere of 24.
7 comments:
1) Ever bought anything from an infomercial?: No, but I love watching them. I don't believe them but I love watching them. An electric belt cannot give you six-pack abs and nothing will ever come out of the microwave crunchy. Trust me, if that were the case, I'd be plugged in eating a corn-dog right now.
2) Most ridiculous vanity plate: It's not a vanity plate but I saw a yacht in Newport once that was named the "Aquasition". Pompous prick.. I am jealous. When I get a vanity plate it will be ASSKCKR, it will have a matching t-shirt.
3) Song I've heard today: Shiny Happy People by R.E.M. I want to punch Michael Stipe in the face now.
4) Consider myself athletic?: Only when I'm fleeing the scene.
5) Looking forward to in Jan: the first free weekend with no plans in 10 months .
1. Never. Although I am often tempted to buy the Ronco Chicken Roaster: Just Set it and Forget it!! mmmmm-chicken
2. I've seen too many of these on the road to even begin to remember them. Sorry.
3. Runnin with the Devil by Van Halen while on hold. Bastard picked up the phone at the guitar solo....
4. I once did, then I pulled a groin.
5. Bennett-On-Ice.
1. I've been tempted to many more times than I should mention. Growing up I was always drawn to the infomercial for "Pearl Creme". I guess that should have told me something eh?
2. Haven't seen one in a while. Maybe I'm just not paying enough attention when I'm driving.
3. Other than the music between segments on NPR (most of which are nameless snippets) I haven't heard any music today. Although I always astonished to hear samples of Depeche Mode and Grace Jones occasionally.
4. People often comment on how fit I am. Little do they know how easy it is to hide you inner michellin man with the right clothing choices.
5. Just one??!! OK - No studying!!! I passed the damn test now leave me alone!
JAL-Congratulations on passing your test. I'm going to buy you some Pearl Creme as a prize!
WMD- That yacht is a missile target waiting to happen.
SAC-Perhaps Caroline & Paul will rent a Ronco Chicken Roaster for Bennett's Diego B-day party next Friday.
1) SAC you'll be proud to know that I once purchased CCR's greatest hits from an infomerical a few years ago.
2)Ridiculous Vanity Plate Seen = ASSMAN on Seinfeld
3)Song heard today. Barbara Streisand and Barry Gibb singing "Send in the Clowns." This was playing in Starbucks while I was waiting for my $3 cup of jo. Painful. Should have been "Send in the hitman."
4) No I don't consider myself athletic. After winning the besotted bison award it's been all down hill for me.
5) Golfing in San Diego the last week of January.
1. Perfume. That's right, perfume. Okay,I've admitted it. I was in my early 20's and drinking quite heavily at the time. The "on street" testimonials from satisfied customers were just so damn convincing. I'm even more embarrassed to admit that I actually really liked the perfume when I got it. It was appropriately called "Curiosity". Spicy yet subtle. I received a bottle (with extra bonus gifts of course) every couple of months until they went out of business.
2. You'd think with all the time I spend on the road that I could come up with one here but I'm drawing a blank. Lame.
3. "Sunny Day..." or whatever the theme from Sesame Street is called. One of the nurses in my doctor's office was humming it in the hallway as I was patiently waiting my turn. I found myself tapping my toe.
4. Not lately. My muscles have nearly atrophied from lack of use. One of these days I will head back to the gym which has since changed ownership since the last time I was there.
5. The release of Wedding Crashers on DVD. It came out this week! This will be added to our movie library along with other classics including The Godfather, Swingers, Saturday Night Fever, and Jaws.
1. No, but I always lived vicariously through Opus in Bloom County who ordered everything from infomercials.
2. I used to work for SAAB and in Hingham there was a customer who was a cheesy as one can get and was also a very successful hearing aid salesman. His plate was Mr. Hear (or something to that matter). He also had several other license plates in his trunk that we only assumed he put on his car when he wanted his identity to be hidden....hmmmmmmm
3. I am getting old and sometimes I need to listen to Magic to calm my self down at work.... everytime I put it on I hear that Billy Verra song from Family Ties.. 'What Do You Think I Would Do At This Moment'. Maybe its reason enough not to leave it on WMJX!
4. Back in 1986 I was.
5. Hmmmm... when January is over it means I only have 2 more moths to go before HBO releases the final season of '6 Feet Under' on DVD so I can rent it from Netflix and finish with my obsession!
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