Apocalypse Cocktail Lounge: Crazy Fucker

"No kill you today. Kidding! I'm a kidder."

It's past midnight...Whew! August 22nd, the day that would be Doomsday has officially passed and we're still here. Rumors of the Apocalypse going down did not come to fruition. There is no nuclear annihilation to speak of, no horses galloping yonder, no Antichrist Tasering heathens and infidels. I guess any day you sidestep Armageddon is a good day. Still, Ahmadinejad -- who started all this crap -- remains jacked up on uranium, determined to harnass energy for "peaceful purposes" a.k.a giant buckets of bombs. While we're safe for now, there is nothing like the threat of end times to make you live a little larger, stay in the moment, abandon tedium and have a little fun. Perhaps Mahmoud is catching the spirit as well -- he's started his own blog and is featured in, like, 92 You Tube videos.

Apocalypse Cocktail Lounge: I'm a Junkie

Ever since last week's WSJ essay on Iran and the Apocalypse, I can't read enough on the topic -- I'm riveted. It's not because I want the End of the World to go down...quite the opposite. I'm trying to understand why anyone -- regardless of their religious beliefs -- would want to vaporize the world, float up into the sky and watch sinners/infidels burn in hell. I've yet to be successful. Even salvation does not sound nearly as much fun as what I've got going on in the coming weeks and months: Caroline's first day of preschool, dinner plans at Toro, tickets to Keane, Baby Bags' arrival, the weddings of Brownguy and T-Bag (not to each other). These zealots need to HOLD. THEIR. HORSES. Or get out more often. Make some plans. Live a little.

So, over a glass of Cavit, I put together this little Apocalypse round-up. It is conversation fodder best enjoyed over cocktails -- some of it's frightening, some is straight up hilarious -- all of it's unimaginable.



Ahmadinejad Gives me the Willies
I watched the Mike Wallace 60 Minutes interview with Ahmadinejad twice last night and I can't get over how much the dictator looks like Patrick Dempsey rocking a Zeke beard.


But that's irrelevant. I was disappointed that the interview never got into this guy's wild-eyed desire to bring about the end of the world by fueling the chaos in the Middle East. Wallace questioned Ahmadinejad's nuclear intentions and challenged comments he'd made about ridding the world of Israel and the U.S. but he never once questioned Ahmadinejad's Apocalyptic agenda -- an agenda the Iranian president has made no secret of. Last year, he personally supervised construction of a massive mosque and prayer halls to accommodate the throngs of Shi’ite muslims who he expects will flock to Iran for the return of the Hidden Imam a.k.a the Islamic Messiah "within the next two years." Then again, Ahmadinejad seemed more likely to bust into the African Anteater Ritual than give straight answers. While the interview on its face was unrevealing, the dictator's beady eyes told the real story. The man scares me -- so much so, I had an unsettling dream after watching him. I was driving to Panera and spotted him walking down the middle of Route 53, right along the double yellow line. As he got closer to my car, I could see he was looking right at me and I wasn't able to turn my head or my eyes away. I woke up with my heart beating out of my chest. While the dream seemed silly in the light of day, I still plan to sleep with the light on tonight.



”You’ve Got a Better Chance of Seeing Jesus"
It's not only Shi'ite Muslims and Iranians who are courting disaster. Seems the Evangelical Christians in this country are wicked pumped about the possibility of Armageddon via nuclear annihilation too. While they look much goofier than the Muslim extremists, they are infused with the same brand of zeal that compels terrorists to whip up bomb juice in a bottle of saline solution.

Ordinarily, this wouldn't be such a big deal. However, the religious leaders -- powerful lobbyists for the Christian right -- are bringing the Armageddon agenda to the White House, politicizing "end times" like gay marriage and stem cells. They believe prophecy should play a role in foreign policy decisions and have the means and will to make it happen.

For instance, John Hagee, an influential pastor of one of those stadium-sized mega-churches in Texas, specifically believes that Israel must strike Iran's nuclear facilities in order to move things along. He is using his best-selling book, “Jerusalem Countdown,” his internationally broadcast TV talk show, and viral marketing offered by a network of mega churches to mobilize popular support for a war with Iran. Holy ass.



I don’t care if your Messiah is Jesus, the Hidden Imam or the Hamburglar. When Apocalypse-courting zealots have the ear of U.S. policymakers, it may very well be time to reset the Doomsday Clock.

Rapture Ready
The Rapture Index is a popular evangelical Christian Web site that bills itself as "a Dow Jones industrial average of end-time activity. The site monitors "prophetic activity" by calculating a global rise in natural disasters, war and inflation. An index below 85 signifies a week of "slow prophetic activity." Anything above 145 signals the Apocalypse is near.

The Rapture Index this week: 160. Hit the deck.

Apocalypse Cocktail Lounge: Crazy Iranian President

Break out the Infidel Zinfandel. We’re all going to die. Possibly as soon as August 22nd.

This news does not come from fringe blogs or sandwich-board-wearing Jesus freaks but from the WSJ, some Middle East scholars, and other smarty pants-types whom, up to now, have had a steady record of humorless sanity. To me, it sounds like the cast of Dr. Strangelove is about to hijack the planet with its doomsday machine.

You can read the entire WSJ piece here, but here’s the gist:


(photo: He may look like a swarthy Patrick Dempsey in this picture but don't let that fool you.)

The Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is a devout Shi’ite Muslim who not only believes the end of the world is near but that he can speed up the return of the Islamic messiah a.k.a “the Hidden Imam” by launching a catastrophic jihad -- first against Israel (the “little Satan) and then against the U.S. (the “Great Satan”). This guy is supposedly procuring or may already have acquired nuclear weapons that would give him the ability to fulfill his apocalyptic desire to kill all infidels and earn himself a free ticket to Paradise.

The shit will reportedly hit the fan on August 22 or thereabouts. It’s a date that Ahmadinejad handpicked to respond to the world regarding the future of Iran's much-ballyhooed nuclear program. Turns out Aug 22 is a very sacred date for Muslims; it's the anniversary of the supposed "night flight" by Mohammed from Saudi Arabia to the Temple Mount in Jerusalem to Heaven and back again. Thus, some experts are worried that Ahmadinejad's "response" on August 22nd could come in the form of nuclear holocaust against Israel and/or the United States.

Yikes.

Somebody call Jack Bauer. He could take down this lunatic with a few roundhouse kicks and a pocket knife and nobody else would have to get hurt.

Who knows. This could be well-placed propaganda or just an excuse to bomb Iran. I don’t know what to believe anymore so I choose to believe nothing.

In the meantime, I plan to party like it’s August 21st.