13 July 2006
Donde Esta Mango Salsa
I thought I struck gold at Hannaford's the other day when I saw Big Papi' s image blowing up a jar of salsa in aisle 7. I immediately assumed it was his elusive mango salsa, a top secret recipe that I've been searching for since he mentioned it in his 2005 commercial for Comcast. "I found a great recipe for mango salsa...wooooh, mama!"
But no. The salsa only came in one variety -- corn and bean -- medium or mild. It was fool's gold. I bought it any way and it is actually quite good but, really -- what kind of crappy tease is Big Papi perpetrating here? If he's going to schlep salsa, it's GOTTA be the mango salsa. It's his thing. This only fuels the popular conspiracy theory that like Popeye and his spinach, Ortiz derives his superhuman strength and pin point precision from a deep well of mango salsa. And if this recipe were to get out, it'd be anarchy. He somewhat confirmed this theory when Pedro Martinez was in town a few weeks ago and the two players had lunch together. Papi was adamant that mango salsa not be on the menu. ""No mango salsa this time," he said. "Mango salsa gives you power, and you've got to keep Petey away from power."