Cream Shop Friday: The Hoff on the Sauce

I was planning on making this a Hasselhoff-free Friday but I couldn’t stay away.

I’m sure by now everyone’s seen the drunken video of him lying on the floor, shirtless, struggling with what appears to be a Godzilla burger from Eagle’s Deli. His teenage daughter shot the video – at the Hoff’s request – to show him what an idiot he looks like when he’s drunk off his ass. I’m sure he did not request the video also be leaked to EXTRA or other cheesy gossip outlets to show the world what an idiot he looks like when he’s drunk off his ass, but this is the world we live in now.

Hasselhoff is currently locked in a contentious custody battle with his ex-wife. The Alec Baldwin incident has ushered in this new trend of putting your dirty business on the street to use as leverage. The irony is that the act of leaking the dirty business may be worse than the original offense. I feel badly for the kids. “This is a mess,” Hoff says on the video, summing up his failed burger nosh. It’s only a matter of time before his daughters experience a similar fate. (Even more so because of that photo up there)

That said, I found the video sad but not shocking. He looks like any other drunken boob with the munchies. Who hasn’t had those mornings where you've woken up with shrimp fried rice in your bed, still clutching a chicken wing?

Also, I don’t think the Hoff will sweat this one. He’s made no secret of the fact that he’s a recovering alcoholic with wagon troubles. We’ve all seen his videos; he’s a pretty shameless guy, certainly not someone who is meticulous about image. In the wake of the “scandal,” he released a statement expressing gratitude, not contempt for his children, saying he will seek redemption in the leaked footage.

This morning, I spent some time in the Cream Shop looking at some classic Hasselhoff animations that we've randomly emailed to each other over the years. Next week, the drunken video will be the latest entry into the new Hoff Gallery, a burgeoning Internet database of all things Hasselhoff, but I will always prefer to watch this one.

"Steaming Drunk" Hoff Gets the Boot

JUST IN -- Hasselhoff was chucked out of Wimbledon last week for being "steaming drunk" and starting a "blazing row" with some security guards. This, alone, is fabulously Hasselhoffian. But the 53-year-old actor took it a bit further, reportedly barking at the guards, "Don't you know who I am? I'm the Hoff." Awesome.

Old Hairy Hasselhoff

I knew I'd be deeply engrossed in the Lost two-hour season finale last night so, out of morbid curiosity, I decided to TiVO American Idol so I could see the final announcement. At first, I was slightly ashamed of myself for recording it but I am SO glad I did. I was fast-forwarding through Ryan "the Tan" Seacrest's empty yammering when I saw the unmistakable glint of the Hoff. I had to rewind and pause a few times because he was easy to miss. I almost woke up everyone in the house when I exclaimed, "Holy Christ, it's Hasselhoff!" At first I thought I was in the grips of some Zyrtec-induced hallucination, but no, there he was in all his hairy glory -- sitting in the audience, welling up with cheesy sentiment at all the Idol fanfare. It was so worth it.

But it gets better. Hasselhoff and some other misbegotten relics are going to be judges on a crappy knock-off show this summer called "America's Got Talent." These horrible shows usually inspire blind indifference or hopeless rubbernecking in me; I have a feeling I won't be able to turn my eyes from this one. It could end up being "surprise fun" like last summer's Hit Me Baby One More Time, which -- as I've said previously -- was so-bad-it's-good fun, fun like the Wham! Rap, fun like a shaving cream fight.

(NOTE: Be thankful I posted this ridiculous G-rated tire swing photo of the Hoff. I was going to post this one but decided to spare you)