21 December 2005

"What I Really Want for Christmas" by WMD

I am truly fortunate to have the greatest family and friends going. I’m not being pompous;yours can be as good but they cannot be better. With that comes utmost generosity. Every year I am asked by many, “What would you like for Christmas?” I used to have a meaningful response -- a list. When I was a kid, the list would be detailed enough to include the store where items could be purchased. Having grown older, I’ve reached a point where I really don’t need anything that someone else should be buying me. The things I do need, i.e. a house, I should be buying myself, although I don’t want to insult anyone if you’ve already gone out and gotten me one this year...

Sadly, the only list I am able to make is one of things that I will never get. I don’t even mean the usual “world peace”, “cure for diseases” blah, blah, blah… I mean things from either childhood or the present that have passed or will never be. These are the things I would really like. They are not listed in any particular order, desire or cost:

1) I would like the Tin-Can Alley game that my friend Dan Seale had when we were kids.

2) I would like Jim Carrey to stop making movies.

3) I would like to see Mary Ann’s boobies from Gilligan’s Island (don’t be upset LP, it’s merely for nostalgic purposes so I can tell all my childhood friends “yeah, well, I saw ‘em”… it’s almost clinical.)

4) I would like one day where everyone on the planet has to bow when I’ve entered a room and loudly address me as “Sir”.

5) I would like Rosie O’Donnell a.k.a. Rosie O’Bacon to have as many cameras on her as possible and give her political opinion. At that point, I would like to see someone throw a large meatball sub that smacks her in the side of the face. The true casualty in this is the meatball sub.

6) I would like the original “Alf” suit. I would like a midget who can do a perfect Alf voice to live in this suit for one year. He will accompany me as my Valet. He will not wear any type of valet uniform however, that would look silly.

7) I would like to spend a day hanging around with Homer Simpson.

8)I would like to see SAC overcome his contempt for Dave Matthews, and join hands with him like the Whos in Whoville and sing Fahoo Forays…

I know the rest of you in the Pointy Universe must have your own list. There are still three shopping days until Christmas. Get out there.

Merry Christmas,

WMD

12 comments:

Celine said...

Here's a few things I would like:

1. An Easy Bake Oven. This was at the top of my list a couple of years in a row and Santa never delivered. Instead, one year, I got a plastic bowling set which we set up in our basement. Not quite the same.

2. For Ann Curry to replace Katie Couric as Matt's sidekick on the Today show. Katie's too perky and just plain insincere.

3. For just one week....to not hear any Celine Dion jokes when meeting strangers. i.e. "Oh, your name is Celine? Just like Celine Dion, huh?...Can you sing?" blah...blah...blah....

4. And last but not least, for Patch to get the thrill of his life...to chase and actually CATCH a squirrel someday. Of course, he wouldn't harm the squirrel, just bat it around a bit and send it on its way. That would be nice.

Happy Festivus to all!

BAGS said...

Here's a few things I would like:

1)A bouncehouse / moonwalk for Nantucket this year.

2)Telemundo in English.

3)To have my name legally changed to Uncle FunBags Beaudin (this year.)

4)Streaming video on the Pointy Universe.

5)Lawn darts / Jarts to make a comeback.

KJ said...

I want to know where Lou and Nancy, our retired neighbors, GO every single night. They leave their driveway every evening at 5:30 p.m. and return promptly at 7:30. I'm thisclose to following them. Are they getting bombed at the 99? Noshing at 53 South? At the all-you-can-eat China Buffet?

KJ said...

Also, I propose we give WMD his props at Nic's & LP's b-day celebration next Monday. He should be addressed -- loudly and often --as "sir" (and not in the Marcie to Pepperming Patty way)

doctoreama said...

1) a real-live straight man who makes me laugh as much as WMD and Bags but is not married or engaged to one of my best friends and lives in the same state as me. (P.S. I believe he died.)
2) Something with the batteries included (in lieu of #1 above)
3) Malibu Barbie and beach house, plus the convertible. Ken not included.
4)ballet lessons and pink satin toe shoes
5) building on Celine and Bags' comments on the name theme: to be legally recognized as Doctoreama, rather than "Drema, Drama, Derma, Perma or Dre-AH-ma."
6) a driver's license photo that doesn't make me look like an armed robber
7) worldwide spontaneous combustion for anyone wearing a holiday sweater and/or driving a minivan. My guess is the two are not mutually exclusive groups.
8) to be blonde for a week and see if it makes a difference in finding #1 above or if I lose 50 points off my IQ without noticing.
9) chocolate with 0 calories

lp said...

KJ: As much as WMD's happiness means to me, I refuse to call him "sir". I also refuse to wear the Alf suit (I know there's a short joke brewing out there somewhere).

WMD: MaryAnn was not available for fulfillment of your "clinical" need/wish, but we're talking to Rosie O'Donnell's people and think we can get her to expose a "boobie" in exchange for a large meatball sub.

Santa: Here is my wishlist...

1) To be a tambourine player on tour with U2

2) To go back in time and see the Beatles play live in Liverpool before they were discovered.

3) That Melissa and Chuck would decide to move far away and leave the house in Nantucket to all of us.

4) That all emails were personal in nature.

5) The Barbie Dream House I asked for like a hundred times.

Merry Christmas!

SAC said...

Interesting perspective WMD, just the other day, my friend Dave and I were talking about a reconciliation tour. Specifics to be worked out at a later date but Fahoo Forays did not make the playlist....I love Dave-the guy has great pot.

My wish list:
1. A Commodores Reunion complete with Lionel Ritchie, sequined jumpsuits, and corporate sponsorship from a serious Malt Liquor like Colt 45.
2. Tom Cruise to just make movies and shut the fuck up about anything and everything else. (This is probably applicable to 3/4 of Hollywood)
3. A freezer on the top fridge-It is far more difficult to train a toddler to fetch beers when you have a freezer on the bottom fridge. Anybody considering children should remember these words of wisdom and buy a freezer on top fridge.
4. Schlitz World to become a reality. An amusement park where public intoxication and the stupid things we do is welcomed and legal.
5. Drive cross country with Hunter S. Thompson. RIP 2005 :-(
6. The Complete DVD Anthology of Sanford and Son and Good Times.
7. People to say "Merry Christmas" not "Happy Holiday/Kwanzaa/Hanukah/etc." If you don't like Christmas or get offended by its existence then do me a favor and WORK it so the rest of us can buy the inevitable ONE item forgotton on the grocery list.
8. Spend a day with Vince Vaughn
9. Kiss Love Gun album in vinyl with the original paper "Love Gun" that was included in the jacket.
10. An original Atari 2600 with cartridges, not the "preload" crap box you can by at BJ's for $30.00.

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYBODY!

Goy said...

Is that a silk shirt on LP's fiance?

Santa, I would like the following:

1. More time with my friends.

2. Free, unlimited babysitting from a non family member who won't look down on us for over enjoying our evening without our beloved boys.

3. I will echo my Auntie, but go one step further. I would like to see Katie Couric publicly humiliated by getting fired on national tv and being replaced with Diane Sawyer.

4. A toilet seat alarm that goes off when the House of Balls do not put the seat down or flush.

5. Romper Stompers from Romper Room.

6. Hippety Horses for all my friends and then a party to use them at.(I may have just come up with an idea for a housewarming party).

7. The Clapper.

8. A trip to somewhere warm to enjoy some uninterupted time with the Cyr boys and SAC!

lp said...

SAC - Be sure to check out "Cross Roads" on the CMT channel Sat., Dec. 24 1:30 PM ET when Lionel Richie AND Kenny Rogers perform their greatest hits together - including Commodores favs. WMD and I happened upon it one night during some marathon channel surfing (WMD is the champ) and thought you would love this. http://www.cmt.com/shows/dyn/cmt_crossroads/series.jhtml

SAC said...

Many would not know that Liopnel was the catapult to the resurrection of Kenny's career. "Lady" and "Through the Years" were huge Kenny success stories written by none other than Lionel. I know this because I was subjected to a grueling 24 hour marathon torture session of Kenny's Greatest Hits while traveling from 413 to FLA via a makeshift Winnebago in my tween years-before a good lithium battery (or tablet) and found myself reading the liner notes to discover this fascinating fact.

I will TiVo it right now,...

KJ said...

WMD-Dawn Wells boobies - present tense -- likely look like tube socks full of sand. I wish you godspeed in the other wishes/endeavors, however.

wmd said...

KJ, thank you for the toned down female translation. The guy version is different, "a couple of socks full of vomit". (yes, we can always one-up when it comes to being tasteless). the preference was a gander back then not current, although you never know. Julie Andrews (yes Mary Poppins) dropped the top in a movie later in life and was quite impressive. (there's a google search for you)