(photo: "Those dicks.")Guest blogger WMD lets loose in a Ferrigno-esque rant today after "idiots around him" stirred his annoyance and awoke the tiny curmudgeon that lives in his soul.
Warning: If the word "dick" offends you, you may want to stop reading now.
Ordinarily, I consider myself a pretty calm person. LP may disagree a bit, being half I-ti and half Irish doesn't help me but for the most part, I don't fly-off-the-handle (as my old man would say) too easily. (What the hell does that mean anyway?).
There are however certain things that range from pet peeve's to annoying the shit out of me. Being in a slightly annoyed mood this morning because of idiots around me, I've decided to list some. I don't care that you didn't ask, here they are:
1) When a-hole ad execs decide to take a TV commercial and change it to a radio commercial by describing everything that's happening in the TV commercial. Yourcommercial wasn't funny to begin with now it completely sucks.
2) Saying "Prom" instead of "The Prom." Nice work, Grog. "Me go prom now. Me get ass first time"
3) Guys that tuck their t-shirts into their underwear. See it in the gym locker room far more often than you might think. Who does this?? The Social Darwin lifecycle of this is 1) you do this in kindergarten 2)you get caught, beat up and nicknamed "Melvin" 3) You stop doing it. Not sure how this group of "The Others" survived.
3) Guys in the gym locker room shaving naked. What the fuck, dude? I don't shave naked at home why would you want to be naked in a gross locker room? It's not what you might be thinking, it's not jacked gay guys here advertising the goods, it's gross old straight dudes that I don't want anywhere near a sink I have to use. The trifecta of punchface is when they're (and I'm not making this up) shaving in the locker room with a t-shirt on and nothing else.
4) Girls who don't care or follow sports talking about them incessantly during playoffs. If you like and follow them, this is not about you, you're entitled. But for the others, any guy will tell you there's nothing cuter than a girl who doesn't give a rat's ass about sports. You can make us feel smart and that is a very small window for us. It's a far better conversation than having to listen to some numbnut who after following the Sox for 2 weeks recites channel
7's editorial on how Pedro should have been pulled.
5) People seriously referring to themselves in the third person. I thought this only happened in Seinfeld?? Recently witnessed it, amazing.
6) Guys who completely fabricate their single life of hookups. I've got a friend that tells stories like he was Wilt F'ing Chamberlain. (I assure you, he was not). We are in awe when he gets going because we're like, "Uhh, I was with you that night and other than you shoving late night Chinese food in your face an passing out with piss running down your leg, I don't quite remember the blond twins of which you speak."
7) Girls who think they're badass because they've taken tae-bo or some karate aerobiboxing or some crap like that. I'm not knocking the class, I'm sure it's a super difficult workout and you get in great shape. But before you think you're J-Lo and can beat up bad men, try taking just one punch in the face, I'll pay for the icepack. I've taken one and I don't care who you are, unless you are a trained boxer, you are not prepared. Kick in the balls, ladies, that's all you need to know, kick...in...the...balls.
8) Jimmy (the dick) Fallon fake laughing in every skit so people think, isn't it funny he's laughing, now I'll laugh at him laughing.
9) Celebs spouting political opinions. I don't care if I agree with you, shut the f@%& up and entertain me.
10) Ticketmaster!!!! and any other entity that rapes you for purchasing a $22 ticket that ends up at $40 because of fees and shipping. (the latest is a $7.50 fee for an email ticket!! Where the F' is the expense in that? my adobe acrobat, my paper and my toner (you dicks)
11) People who still say "don't go there" or "you go girl". Way to keep up. Newsflash nitwit, Nixon's dead too and there's a new guy running the show.
12) Any movie with Kevin Costner in it. Which now includes Field of Dreams and No Way Out. I used to exclude those but he's such a dick that he even ruined a Hackman movie for me and Hackman rules... dick
There are probably a lot more, sadly this only took 20 minutes which is scary. Maybe I'm not as calm as I thought. But I'm sure the rest of you have some pet
peeves as well...
8 comments:
A fine list WMD. I, too, have innumerable pet peeves and completely concur with yours, particularly #2 and #3. I cringe everytime I hear Molly Ringwald omit that all important definite article in her plea to Andrew McCarthy..."What about Prom, Blaine?" "What about Prom?" ARGH!!
And women who, like the pantless shavers in your gym, apply makeup in front of the mirror in full view of everyone with their towel around their waist forcing me to avert my eyes. I have boobs...I don't need to see theirs. Mine are better. Put 'em away ladies.
Additional peeves include:
* People who say "my bad" instead of "my fault." Stupid.
* TV commercials for local news teams. "Channel Seven MEANS news." What the Hell does that mean?
* People ahead of me at the checkout counter who wait to dig out their wallets until the cashier tells the amount of their purchase...as if it's a surprise that money is going to have to be tendered. Oh, do I pay now? Let me see, where in the cluttered abyss I call my purse might my wallet be??
* People who pay for a pack of gum with a credit card. You seriously don't have $1.39 on you?
* People who I swear must be refinancing their house at the ATM machine because there's NO WAY it can take 10 minutes to withdraw cash.
I'm sure I could go on too WMD. C'mon over to Chelsea sometime and we'll make a more comprehensive list.
That is great Code Red. Sounds like that didn't take you long to come up with.
I agree on the checkout line. The other one is when people stop and dig through their purse/car/wallet to get money for tolls. Did the big toll booth with it's multiple "Toll Booth, 1 Mile" signs sneak up on you? Thank goodness for Fastlane
-Vague, passive-aggressive statements: "Oooh, look at you fancy-fancy!" OR "Wow. You're a real pro." What exactly do you mean? If you can't complete a sentence, remain silent. These kinds of people, who can't resist the urge to keep their useless comments to themselves, need to
be put on electric collars.
-The term "fashionista"
-People with an utter lack of self awareness.
-CONFESSION: I've used a debit card to purchase a coffee on more than one occassion. I alternate between having a pimp wad of cash and being completely penniless.
WMD,
A very abbreviated list....
1) Selfish and cheap relatives. Nothing better than buying an airline ticket for a loved one (to a once in a lifetime family event)who complains they're strapped for money. Only to have them pull an unannounced no-show b/c it conflicts with their social calendar. Smooth move Exlax.
2)Self-involving Neighbors. Don't care about their personal lives, let alone giving them access to mine.
3)Anyone who has just used a public or work bathroom and exits without washing their hands. How am I supposed to open the door now?
Way to get everybody fired up with your sunny outlook on life, WMD. As long as we're embraced in a group hug of ranting, here goes:
1) Male colleagues who walk to the men's room with the paper tucked under their arm. Even worse if they stop by my cube to chat first. Why? Why? Why?
2) People who talk on their cell phones aboard public transportation.
3) Stuffed animals displayed in rear windows of cars or items dangling from rearview mirrors. Bumper stickers in general.
4) And, as always, people who lack spatial awareness.
How about the term "celebutante"? I f*in hate that term and the people who fall under the definition, such as Paris Hilton, Kimberly Stewart and some chick Genieve Jones, who made the front page of the Wall Street Journal today simply because she lives off her parents' money, parties every night, and is so coked out of her mind that she fits into a size 00 Marc Jacobs dress (b*tch).
Whew, just got back from the can with my herald.
Awesome.
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