(photo: "Those dicks.")
Guest blogger WMD lets loose in a Ferrigno-esque rant today after "idiots around him" stirred his annoyance and awoke the tiny curmudgeon that lives in his soul.
Warning: If the word "dick" offends you, you may want to stop reading now.
Ordinarily, I consider myself a pretty calm person. LP may disagree a bit, being half I-ti and half Irish doesn't help me but for the most part, I don't fly-off-the-handle (as my old man would say) too easily. (What the hell does that mean anyway?).
There are however certain things that range from pet peeve's to annoying the shit out of me. Being in a slightly annoyed mood this morning because of idiots around me, I've decided to list some. I don't care that you didn't ask, here they are:
1) When a-hole ad execs decide to take a TV commercial and change it to a radio commercial by describing everything that's happening in the TV commercial. Yourcommercial wasn't funny to begin with now it completely sucks.
2) Saying "Prom" instead of "The Prom." Nice work, Grog. "Me go prom now. Me get ass first time"
3) Guys that tuck their t-shirts into their underwear. See it in the gym locker room far more often than you might think. Who does this?? The Social Darwin lifecycle of this is 1) you do this in kindergarten 2)you get caught, beat up and nicknamed "Melvin" 3) You stop doing it. Not sure how this group of "The Others" survived.
3) Guys in the gym locker room shaving naked. What the fuck, dude? I don't shave naked at home why would you want to be naked in a gross locker room? It's not what you might be thinking, it's not jacked gay guys here advertising the goods, it's gross old straight dudes that I don't want anywhere near a sink I have to use. The trifecta of punchface is when they're (and I'm not making this up) shaving in the locker room with a t-shirt on and nothing else.
4) Girls who don't care or follow sports talking about them incessantly during playoffs. If you like and follow them, this is not about you, you're entitled. But for the others, any guy will tell you there's nothing cuter than a girl who doesn't give a rat's ass about sports. You can make us feel smart and that is a very small window for us. It's a far better conversation than having to listen to some numbnut who after following the Sox for 2 weeks recites channel
7's editorial on how Pedro should have been pulled.
5) People seriously referring to themselves in the third person. I thought this only happened in Seinfeld?? Recently witnessed it, amazing.
6) Guys who completely fabricate their single life of hookups. I've got a friend that tells stories like he was Wilt F'ing Chamberlain. (I assure you, he was not). We are in awe when he gets going because we're like, "Uhh, I was with you that night and other than you shoving late night Chinese food in your face an passing out with piss running down your leg, I don't quite remember the blond twins of which you speak."
7) Girls who think they're badass because they've taken tae-bo or some karate aerobiboxing or some crap like that. I'm not knocking the class, I'm sure it's a super difficult workout and you get in great shape. But before you think you're J-Lo and can beat up bad men, try taking just one punch in the face, I'll pay for the icepack. I've taken one and I don't care who you are, unless you are a trained boxer, you are not prepared. Kick in the balls, ladies, that's all you need to know, kick...in...the...balls.
8) Jimmy (the dick) Fallon fake laughing in every skit so people think, isn't it funny he's laughing, now I'll laugh at him laughing.
9) Celebs spouting political opinions. I don't care if I agree with you, shut the f@%& up and entertain me.
10) Ticketmaster!!!! and any other entity that rapes you for purchasing a $22 ticket that ends up at $40 because of fees and shipping. (the latest is a $7.50 fee for an email ticket!! Where the F' is the expense in that? my adobe acrobat, my paper and my toner (you dicks)
11) People who still say "don't go there" or "you go girl". Way to keep up. Newsflash nitwit, Nixon's dead too and there's a new guy running the show.
12) Any movie with Kevin Costner in it. Which now includes Field of Dreams and No Way Out. I used to exclude those but he's such a dick that he even ruined a Hackman movie for me and Hackman rules... dick
There are probably a lot more, sadly this only took 20 minutes which is scary. Maybe I'm not as calm as I thought. But I'm sure the rest of you have some pet
peeves as well...