02 October 2005
"Richie Rich Should Be My Yotch" by WMD
When asked to guest blog again, I didn't really know what to write about. I was too busy at work and couldn't take the time to think of something. Then I thought, how great it would be to not have to work at all. How great it would be to be rich, not just rich but filthy rich.
I've told LP before that I may seem like a nice guy now but if I ever became obscenely rich or famous I would be the most obnoxious individual in the world. I would take kids' ice cream cones from them, laugh and dump them in the sand at the beach. I would do this because I could buy my way out of anything. Watching their parents sell their dignity, Haha..Muuaahaahahahaha...Oh, that's right, I'm not rich, I digress. I would not do that (yet).
Well why the EFFF am I not rich?! This is a riddle for the ages because all signs point to where I should be eating gilded meatball subs for dinner with Diet Bud BOTTLES not cans.
I've segmented why I should be rich into two main categories; Abilities and Business Ventures:
- My mastery of stupid trivia involving bad TV or
movies: Surely if the appropriate Jeopardy categories
were available, me knowing that Crazy Cat was one of
the Hekawi Indians on F Troop and being able to rattle
off 217 quotes from "Big Trouble in Little China"
would have me kicking that record-breaking nerd's ass from last year.
- My ability to turn any movie title into a porn movie
title in under 4 seconds. Example, The Constant
Gardener = Constance the Hardener. Wedding Crashers =
(you don't want to know). I don't know how this could
make money but it's got to be there somewhere.
- Selling "If money can't buy you happiness, you're an
Asshole!" bumper stickers. The more you think about
it, the more foolproof it is. Money may not be able
to buy love but if it can't buy you happiness, you
need to be smacked. These should sell out quickly,
- Selling the rights to my "Office Bytchzlap"
campaign. Tony Robbins type motivators get mad money
to come in and boost moral for Corporations.
Companies can do the same (for only my nominal fee)
by designating one day where you as an employee get to
bitch slap or "Bytchzlap"(patent pending) a fellow
employee for being stupid or obstinate. Fund-raising
can also be done in the form of selling "Bytchzlap"
coupons. (This is just in time for this year's United
Way extortion rituals at corporations throughout the
- Greeting cards from Single Heterosexual Males:
Until the lovely LP tambourined her Siren Song to this
slack jawed youth, I was one of these for the past few
years. This is not an Anti-Gay venture, not at all.
If you are gay, please buy my cards, your money may
smell better but it spends the same. My startup
resources included gay personnel in the form of my
friend Kenny at work. When I explained the dilemma
of trying to pick out a bereavement or wedding card
that had less than 37 flowers and and the word love
written 15 times, his response was a laughing "it
sucks to be you". From there, an industry was born.
- Nantucket/Newport Dog Rental: Let's face it, these
areas are packed with guys trying to have a reverse
naked chicken fight with girls. Put Brad Pitt
engulfed in flames next to one Screech Powers with a
yellow lab puppy and girls would not even notice our
Mr. Pitt. My business is to seasonally rent out
puppies for these vacation spots. Our inventory
consists of only Labs and Golden Retriever puppies
under 8 months old. The price is high but our
satisfaction polling showed not one complaint.
- Last Business Venture: To bring back the Shamrock
Shake. Charge five dollars. I'd pay it and I know at
least 50% of you reading this would do the same.
In closing, with skills and ideas like these, I can't fathom why I haven't hit it big... Wait, yes I do know... I wore gray jazz shoes and a thin leather tie to my High School Junior Semi Formal. Nothing good
could EVER come of that.