21 February 2007

Defending Bald Britney


Another PU prediction has come true. Britney has officially checked into rehab.

I usually don't care about the self-induced plights of celebrity addicts but I really feel badly for this baldy. She's only 25 years old and has been living out the consequences of a whole slew of ill-advised decisions under the 24/7 media microscope: She married some wigger buffoon and had two kids back to back. Now, she is going through a divorce only months after the birth of her second son. Her career is in the turlette and she's always drunk or high and has been photographed in clubs pantless, acting the way Vito does when he gets around stuffed bunnies and throw pillows. Of course, her problems do not justify her neglecting her two babies (K-Fed is equally guilty, btw) But to rip off Chris Rock: "I ain't sayin' it's right...but I understand."

After having two kids back-to-back, I definitely went a little nuts. And I was 34, not 24. I was riddled with anxiety. I couldn't retain a thought. I couldn't eat or sleep. And I was postpartum in a large way -- I once became unhinged at a local deli when a sandwich I'd ordered arrived smothered in cheese. At the same time -- and this is the wild dichotomy of parenthood -- I was flying high and happy. All of this manic emotion, I now realize, was caused by my hormone-drenched, post-partum brain.

There are plenty of stable adults in this world who approach parenthood with breezy self-confidence and serenity. Then there are those of us who are averse to domestic captivity and prone to rebellion and moments of extreme immaturity. My initial instincts: "Shit! I'm the MOMMA? Are you kidding me? I can't find my shoes. I've killed Chia Pets." I was certain the cops were going to pull us over on the way home from the hospital and confiscate the carseat.

But when you're in this state, you're afraid to voice any comments about your insecurity or uncertainty because you're worried they'll be met with contempt instead of compassion: "Poor you. You have a beautiful family. Boo hoo."

So you stuff the anxiety down (maybe with some Grey Goose martinis) and one day it manifests itself as a massive panic attack on the ride home from NYC. Luckily, the insanity is fleeting: Hormones subside, you get into a groove, you adapt. But you do need help: I had a grounding force (Jimmy) and two other tiny forces (C&P) that compelled me to grow up a little and stop spinning. I also have good friends who would never say BOO HOO to me unless I deserved it. I now know that being a MOMMA doesn't mean distancing yourself from your identity, your life or your friends. (I've seen so many new parents do this but now I realize that they're just lazy).

We still have plans. We still have friends. Fart jokes are still funny. Life is good. BUT -- without a grounding force, I believe ANYONE could end up bald and in rehab. That said, I am pulling for Brit. I hope she emerges from rehab a sober blonde who can't wait to see her sons.

9 comments:

sb said...

That's a nice perspective, KJ. Cameo and I chatted about this the other night... and she reminded me that Brit's been on stage since her days as a Mousketeer when she was petting Justin's Mini Mouse. I can't imagine growing up like that. Besides, Brit has enough extensions at home to make herself 10 sets of diff't hair.

lpd said...

My loathing for Britney Spears is widely known. The sight of her often causes an involuntary physical reaction in me -- much like a violent shudder -- that both Cameo and WMD have witnessed and feared.

Although I still think she is talentless and undeserving of her fame, I must admit that I now feel a bit of sympathy for her. The kid has cracked, and I can't find any humor in it. Her mother has pimped her out for vicarious fame and fortune since childhood, and her father fled the scene long ago. All the people who are supposed to be "grounding forces" in her life, as KJ put it, have treated her like a product. She clearly doesn't understand how to live like a real person, not a product.

I wish her well in rehab and hope she settles into a quiet life and stays out of the public - for her sake, and mine.

KJ said...

Right on, LPD. If you feel sorry for her than she is truly a sad case.

Are there any child stars that HAVEN'T ended up in rehab or straight-up crazy? Other "products-not-people" -- Drew Barrymore. Lindsay Lohan. The WHOLE cast of Diff'rent Strokes. MacKenzie Phillips. Those two Coreys from the 80s movies. Macaulay Culkin. That blonde girl with a lisp from Full House who became meth addict. And let's not forget about Michael Jackson. Others?

BAGS said...

KJ,
How can we forget, Corey Feldman, Joey Lawrence, Miss USA Tara Conner, and Robbie Rist (cousin Oliver on the Brady Bunch)?

All these flash in the pans used their stardom to get them checked into some type of detox. Way to go.

KJ said...

Yup! Nice one on "Robbie Rist" another Bags classic.

Another one: Haley Joel-Osmont..creepy Sixth Sense kid. DUI followed by rehab.

Anonymous said...

" My Mother, My Self" by Nancy Friday. Please PU read it. KJ, I'd be interested in hearing your opinion/response.
It explains Britney.

lpd said...

HJO is in rehab too? Dear God, what's next? Dakota Fanning smoking crack? Probably.

KJ said...

Dakota is next, no doubt!!!

KJ said...

I've read Nancy Friday. Awesome book. I'm sure Brit's mutha issues are another contributing factor. Too much fame too young, postpartum depression, unresolved issues with her mother. She's a therapist's wet dream.