10 January 2006

Why is anyone surprised by this?


On every entertainment network or Web site today, people are calling the Swank-Lowe split "baffling" and talking about how it "came out of nowhere." I don't understand why this is shocking news..The only shock is that it didn't happen sooner. Swank married Lowe when she was a fledgling actress on "Beverly Hills 90210" when it was on its death bed. She finds herself in the company of Chad Lowe, of the 80s Lowes, who is riding high after playing HIV-positive Jesse for one season on "Life Goes On" aka "Corky." Most of the Corky actors, including Lowe, faded into obscurity. Kelly Martin (miserable Becca) showed up on ER. Patti Lupone (the intrusive mother), when she's not on Broadway, is on MSNBC yammering on about being felt up by TSA workers at airports, pissing off Code Red in ways unimaginable.

(photo: I can't believe I married this guy)

Anyway, when Swank marries Lowe, she thinks she's "marrying up," a sport in Hollywood a few rungs up from what's commonly known as "starfucking." But then! Swank's own star begins to rise. After she wins her first Oscar for "Boys Don't Cry," she thanks everyone short of the maintenance workers, but doesn't thank -- or even glance at Chad, who no longer seems like a prize but some David Spade-ish elf openly weeping into a hanky. After her second Oscar for "Million Dollar Baby," Swank drops her house-husband like a burnt chicken nugget. The same thing probably happened with Jen Garner and Scott Foley. It appears that two stars cancel each other out when one outshines the other.

**Or as Ofelia Cox duly noted, "When a lesbian marries a gay man, it's bound not to work out." I guess this is likely a better explanation as Swank was more convincing as a heterosexual male in her Boy Don't Cry role than Chad was in general. Hmmm.

10 comments:

SAC said...

The great thing about events like these is that they outshine other topics of actual news....Iraq, Oil Prices, Chinese Cars invading America. It is troubling when America finds itself consumed by celebrity breakups and not Senate Confirmation hearings.

Out of all of this comes a brainstorm: Vegas odds on the next celebrity breakup.

I, for one, would actually be VERY interested in a Swank/Lowe breakup if I had $100 at 25 to 1 odds. Talk about Million Dollar Baby!

Spears/Federline would have very low odds since he is a repeat offended of the deadbeat dad law and overall shitfucker. I most likely would pass on those odds.

I gotta go, ET is on......

Ofelia Cox said...

When a lesbian marries a gay man it's bound not to work out.

KJ said...

Ofelia-Yeah, on second thought, I think your explanation may be more on target than mine. Maybe I was reading too much into something that, on its face, was very simple.

KJ said...

SAC-Right on. This is the Pointy Universe, a universe free from politics and tomato-faced, talk show-eqsue tirades about all that is wrong in America. We know the world is going to sh*t, and the PU's intention is to serve as a sometimes entertaining, often narcissistic distraction.

That said, I'll put my money on J.Lo and Marc Anthony for next celebrity break up.

SAC said...

This odds are good: 8 to 1. Timeframe?

KJ said...

I'll say within 2006.

Code Red said...

I'm first learning about this not-so-shocking celebrity break-up on the P.U....my source for critical info. Ofelia...you may have something there. That being said, while my P.U. pals may disagree with me, I've always believed that most guys can't be with a woman who outshines them. Their male ego just can't handle it. So as soon as the female celebrity's career starts to eclipse the guy's, the relationship is over. This is just another sad example. Of course, Kevin Federline was more than willing to supress his ego and tolerate this for about a year considering the $$$ he's going to walk away with. Notice we've barely heard from J. Lo since she married Marc Anthony...keeping her career on the down low for a reason. Ryan Phillipe better step it up or Reese is going to be showing him the door very soon !

KJ said...

Code Red: You make an excellent point here. You tend to wonder if they would have lasted if the roles were reversed and Chad was the Oscar-winner. Then again, their sexual orientation would have eventually led to a split.

SB said...

I thought Swank's stock would have surpassed Lowe's after her role in "The Next Karate Kid". I guess he was still riding high on Corky fumes then.

By the way, I hope those magazine channels keep running footage of her in that dress.

:phil: said...

I guess she was feeling mighty Lowe when she married him