20 September 2005
Dark Side of the Sun
Courtesy of my good friend Colleen, an Aquarian whom I credit for my astrology obsession, here is a humorous look at the shadowy side of the sun signs. While it's intended to reflect the negative zodiac traits of the men we love, I think a lot of it could apply to the women as well.
ARROGANT ARIES will tell you how much he loves you, but in the same breath, that you must be eliminated because you are getting in the way of his plans for total world domination. He will also leave his dirty socks around and burn the toast.
TOTALITARIAN TAURUS will boast and brag and bully you into submission, but just one little word of sarcasm from you and you will find him balled up in the fetal position crying in the closet. Also, a Taurus can't have sex without picking a fight first.
JABBERING GEMINI will steal your money and then help you look for it. Also he'll make up wild stories about your alleged bisexuality and tell them to his friends. A master of miscommunication, he'll keep you home alone, by the telephone, waiting fo his call.
CALLOUS CANCER will give you a gift and then make you pay for it, not with money, but with sexual favours, emotional blackmail and pieces of your soul. An expert hostage taker, a Cancer uses self-pity and sarcasm to torture his victims and rap them in a prison of low-self-esteem.
LAZY LEO will do everything to woo you ... date you, charm you, move in with you, impregnate you and spend Christmas dinner with your family, yet, while filling out a job application, still check the box that says his status is "single".
VENGEFUL VIRGO will turn up his nose at your taste and then slowly begin to mold you into his vision of the perfect woman. You can never please him, but if you try to leave, he will stalk you for the rest of your life to try and get you back.
LASCIVIOUS LIBRA is the first to tell you "I love you but I¹m not in love you." He might as well pee on your leg and then tell you it's raining... soon you get the sense he/she are keeping their options open in case someone better comes along.
SCHEMING SCORPIO is voted most likely to try and convince you to have sex without a condom. Later on in the relationship, he will also try to convince you that having three-way sex with a hired prostitute is the only way to save your relationship.
SILLY SAGITTARIUS will chase you and woo you until he has pierced you with his arrow of love. You'll soon realize you are just another pelt on this hunter's belt after he tells you all about his plans for his next romantic conquest, shortly after having sex with you.
CAPITALISTIC CAPRICORN will coldly pretend he is in love with you, as long as you are useful to him in terms of social or business connections. This social climber doesn't want a girlfriend; he wants a pretty parrot with no mind of her own who faithfully repeats what he says.
ASSININE AQUARIUS will go on for hours and hours about your deep connection as soulmates then forget your birthday. Easily distracted by pretty colours and shiny things, this flighty man is easily led astray by other women.
PIOUS PISCES can only be described as "Christ without, Satan within." This long suffering martyr has a Ph.d in co-dependency and knows how to reel women in with shiny promises. However once you take the bait, you are trapped forever in the belly of the beast.