09 March 2007

Cream Shop Friday: The New Tom Brady!

(Jan Brady used a curly black wig to transform her image. Will it work for Tom?)

Before he started working on his own twisted version of the Brady Bunch, Tom was a white bread midwestern boy whose downhome family values were so superior, he was invited to sit among George W’s posse of slack-jawed evangelicals at the State of the Union address a few years ago. He was a devout, God-fearing Catholic boy (he’s visited the POPE for goodness’ sake.) He was an immaculate role model who floated above us, sprinkling fairy dust on all who looked up to him.

Now he's facing an image problem of K-Fed-ian proportions. Brady’s balls of fury (with apologies to WMD) not only impregnated his ex-girlfriend Bridget Moynahan, but are rumored to have knocked up current flame Gisele Bundchen too. In less than three weeks, Brady's image has plummeted from that of Golden Boy to Baby Daddy.

Worse, he is now an official member of the unholy hypocrites.

Granted, he's not nearly as bad as Ted Haggard, the mega-church preacher who made a career of bashing gay people but conveniently neglected to mention his penchant for meth-fueled rendezvous with male prostitutes. (BTW, after 21 days of “restoration counseling,” Haggard proclaims he is now “100 percent heterosexual.” Heh.) Brady is also not on par with Fatty McButterpants himself -- Newt Gingrich -- who called out Bill Clinton for his fellatio-tinged morals but was having a full-blown – no pun intended -- extramarital affair at the same time.

But, like so many holy rollers before him, Brady has proven himself to be to "good" to be true.

I usually subscribe to a “live and let live” philosophy. However, the uber-religious tend to be very judgmental by nature, claiming that anyone who does not believe exactly as they do is a sinner. I despise that kind of provincial thinking, so I can’t help but pile on St. Tom.

In all fairness, the list of people who WOULDN’T want to have Tom Brady’s baby is short one -- Most of my friends would, James would, I would, and I know JAL would. Face it, when someone says “You’re the man,” the man they are referring to is Tom Brady. You can understand how looking at him may make someone ease up on the birth control -- consciously or subconsciously.

But the current rumors make him look like much less of a man. The rumor that Tom dumped Bridget Moynahan *because* she was pregnant then took up with a much younger Gisele because she was *not* (and probably did not want to be any time soon): Caddish.

So, with Gisele rumored to be PG as well, what now? If he moves on to another hot-looking babe, won’t that make him look even worse?

To be pondered in the Cream Shop: What will Tom Brady’s proverbial black wig be? If you were Tom’s PR/image consultant, what would you advise him to do? Claim true love ala Brad Pitt and settle down with Gisele even though he’s not ready? Convert to Mormonism and marry them both? Go to rehab for sexual addiction? Tearful repentance at a mega-church? Or do nothing -- “I’m Tom Brady for fuck’s sake.” You be the judge.

*Fabulous artwork courtesy of T-Bag.


jal said...

"Fatty McButterpants" and "K-Fed-ian proportions" - someone give the woman a Pulitzer already!!!
Love it KJ - just love it!!! I think he should do nothing although Tom and Brad Pitt set my imagination spinning...oh wait - sorry.

KJ said...

Thanks, JAL. I'm on a mission to supply you with eye candy and eye candy fodder as often as possible.

BTW- I can't take credit for "Fatty McButterpants" -- that was lifted from a King of Queens episode. A perfect description, however, for someone as bloated and gluttonous as Newt.

Code Red said...

Tom and Gisele better hop a plane to El Salvador and adopt an orphan ASAP.

Cameo said...

I would play Alice to Tom's Brady Bunch any day.

Cols said...

Although at first I was distraught to learn that Tom Brady had become the latest K-Fed, I can't say I was surprised. A friend of mine who witnessed his less than holy behavior at the superbowl in Jacksonville a few years back has stories worse than this unfortunately.

That said, it looks like Tom has just fallen into the stereotype of pro athletes..I mean Sports Illustrated had a cover story titled, "My Baby's Daddy" where they focused on former Seattle Supersonic's player Gary Payton...he's got SIX kids from SIX different women..NICE! Not to be outdone by rap artists of course....this is all tragic.

That said a few factual errors I feel compelled to alert the PU about...Mr. Brady is not midwestern, he went to college in the midwest but homeboy was born and raised in Southern California...you know that liberal bastion of a state where tax dollars that pay the health insurance for state workers can be used for sexual reassignment surgery! Good times.

Also, I have to disagree on Newt. I was not a fan before I worked for the American Cancer Society, but now I am a huge one. The man is absolutely brilliant and really nice, but most importantly a straight shooter...chances are if he was in the room with Tom Brady he'd tell him flat out to stop impregnanting various women across the world and get his sh*t together. Newt came to a fundraiser for the Society, he not only stayed for all three events of the fundraiser, but he talked to each person there (cancer survivor etc.) who waited to speak with him. The same could not be said for Mrs. Clinton who joined him at the fundraiser. She showed up late and then was quickly ushered out by secret service...speaking to not one of the dozens of people there who had paid $1,000 to see her.

Okay...I'm off my pedestal now...good work as always...the PU just keeps getting better.